By Randi Gollin, ZAGAT.com staff editor
Some American restaurant menus aren't just about apps and entrees anymore.
Stiff the waiter at your own risk at Vortex Bar & Grill
So you made your reservation weeks in advance to avoid that dreaded time slot best devoted to cocktail hour. You try to patronise eateries that utilise ingredients from nearby farms. And when tab time rolls around you pay with plastic, cash or your first born, whatever protocol requires. No wonder you consider yourself an upstanding citizen of the restaurant world.
But at a handful of restaurants in the U.S. it’s not enough to follow those international dining conventions. Read beyond the list of lovingly crafted dish descriptions and daily specials and American diners will discover another set of "laws" sandwiched onto the menu, passages that spell out the "rules" of the dining game at their establishment in a sassy – or smug, depending on your perspective – manner.
At the Vortex Bar & Grill in Atlanta, for example, the menu includes a section entitled …More Stuff You Really Need to Know. It provides a lengthy discourse on everything from the policy of not seating incomplete parties ("we know all of your little tricks too, so don’t even try them") to why it’s necessary to tip ("if you think that tipping is a scam buy yourself a TV dinner, stay home and watch wrestling") to the touchy topic of separate checks (if you don’t make your request at the start of the meal, "you’re just screwing up our system").
At Le Cheval in Oakland, California, the menu is tame enough – though it does include the directive, "No separate checks." And then there's this unusual reminder: "prices subject to change depending on customer’s attitude."
Splitting checks is also verboten at the Southhampton Publick House in Southhampton, Long Island – and hey, don’t forget to stop at the ATM first because "cash gratuities preferred." Still, all’s not snarky – this microbrewery also uses the menu to make wisecracks: "wandering children will be sold at auction, cheap."
Then there are the quirky kitchen caveats. Ordering a restaurant's signature dish, for example, seems like a no-brainer, but at hot spots like Southern Hospitality, Justin Timberlake’s Dixie-style digs on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, management makes no bones about the fact that supply doesn't always equal demand. The menu offers this consolation to those who find the rib larder bare: "we only smoke enough meat and poultry for one day – so we sometimes run out of items. But don’t worry, we’ll smoke more tomorrow."
Should you need an extra push to try the Straus Dairy soft-serve vanilla ice cream specialty at Pizzeria Picco in Larkspur, California, made with extra-virgin olive oil and sea salt, look to the menu for words of encouragement ("go ahead…you can do this"). You'll also find this bit of advice: "we…think you should buy a bottle of wine to take out."
After putting up with so many rules, regulations and "helpful" hints, heaven knows Americans have earned that vino.