Let's talk about hobbies. Some people collect stamps. Some people build model airplanes. Some like to clean the barnacles off their sailboats. I go on diets. In fact, I'm on a diet right now. This strikes some people as odd because I'm only about five pounds over my optimum weight. But those are just numbers. When I walk past a mirror, I see a huge bloated disaster area –a heart attack waiting to happen. And so, I'm on a diet. Oh, and I should add that it's a Fad Diet. I only go on Fad Diets. Weight Watchers works just fine. So does Jenny Craig. But really, what's the point? If the diet doesn't give me fodder for cocktails parties, why go on it?
Right now, I'm on the Morning Banana Diet. It's all the rage in Japan. And since the Japanese are notoriously skinny, I thought I'd go with it. Actually, it's so popular in Japan that merchants have complained of banana shortages ("Yes, we have no bananas…"). The diet is absurdly easy. For breakfast, you eat between one and four bananas. You can wash the bananas down with a glass of warm water. And... that's it.
After that, you eat whatever you want for lunch and dinner. The only proscription is that you can't do any eating after 8 PM at night. And you have to go to sleep by midnight. The pounds are supposed to just melt away. But they haven't – possibly because I'm not Japanese. Or, possibly, because I've been cheating on the diet. Just the other day, I caught myself spreading butter rather thickly on a muffin. It was a BANANA muffin, which I guess doesn't count. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm still not Japanese.
I come by my love of diets honestly. My mother was always on a diet. My wife is always on a diet. My in-laws are always on diets. They call me to announce the latest diet they've discovered, some of which are dandies – remember the Cabbage Soup Diet, where all you ate was a giant pot of cabbage soup? You could get rickets on a diet like that. But it sure kept Joe the Plumber busy.
My diets go through a fairly predictable series of stages, a bit like the Kübler-Ross stages of grief. They begin with my announcement that none of my clothes fit and that I'm going to live on fruits and vegetables until I can get into those black Armani pants I love so much. I then fill the fridge with lots of produce, and get down to the business of subsisting on rice cakes and coffee for breakfast, popcorn and coffee for lunch, and a sort of chopped salad and tuna fish regimen for dinner. Or, just a lot of bananas. Or bacon. Or rice. Or pineapple. Or cabbage soup.
I usually do well on my diets. Or at least as well as you can do on a diet you stick to for only one day. Inevitably, by the second day of the diet, boredom sets in. I'll decide to go out for something to eat, preferably salad or grilled fish. I'll announce that even though I'm going to a restaurant, I'm going to be "good." And anyway, as long as I've had a banana, the sky's the limit.
The last time I tried this, I went to a branch of the Souplantation salad bar chain for lunch. I piled my plate high with sliced mushrooms, kidney beans and garbanzo beans, which seemed like a good diet combination. Then, since this was the SOUPlantation and not the SALADlantation, I treated myself to a bowl of corn chowder topped off with a double fistful of grated cheese, and a bunch of pasta salads accompanied by a mess o' croutons and sundry muffins and breads. With butter. I figured all those items were fine on the Banana Diet. I had had a banana for breakfast; I was set for the day. The next day, after my banana I went out for Mexican food. I finished two baskets of chips and had to be restrained from ordering a second bowl of guacamole.
Perhaps I'm just not eating enough bananas.
The bottom line is my black Armani pants are still tight. And getting tighter. And I'm tired of bananas. But I'm not tired of diets. And hey, I just read about the Maple Syrup Diet. For two weeks, you eat nothing but maple syrup mixed with lemon juice, water and cayenne. It worked for Beyonce. She looks great – and I bet she could fit into my black Armani pants with ease. Biggest problem: What am I supposed to do with all these leftover bananas?
– Merrill Shindler