Zagat Survey Discussions

Many times I am invited out with friends who are all couples and when it comes to paying the check it gets split counting each couple as one person.  ie: two couples & myself check is split 3 ways - I love my friends and do not believe it is done intentionally however I find it difficult to bring up and now do not accept invites to dinner. Any suggestions on a better way to handle? 

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Party anyone?

I think you should request separate checks - it's a very common practice nowadays. Before I got married, I wasn't too thrilled with dining out with couples not for this reason but for the cuddling/PDA factor. Maybe I've just had bad luck, but I was always the person who went out with the couple who loved to hold hands and basically enjoyed making googly eyes at each other throughout the meal.

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What's for dinner?

I've noticed this issue posted in various forms in other threads and it really astonishes me. A couple is not a single entity, and people who choose to split the check that way when a third/single party is there, are certainly not "friends". Acquaintances perhaps...but truly not friends. And actually, yes, I do think it is done intentionally. It is downright bad manners on their part.

My boyfriend and I often eat out with a 3rd single and we always either split it 3 ways or we, as a couple, pay for the other person.

Next time I would be up front with them prior to going out to dinner that you want the bill split equally among everyone. If they balk, then perhaps it is time to cultivate some new friendships. Or skip having dinner out with them.

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À votre santé

If you aren't willing to request separate checks, which would be the easiest, then perhaps you could continue to split the bill and have them pay the entire tip? I think you need to be comfortable with your choice and just be up front. I know it can be awkward but the more you do it the easier it gets and your friends will either become used to it or quit asking you out and in that case you have lost nothing but cheap acquaintances.

La Linda wrote:
I've noticed this issue posted in various forms in other threads and it really astonishes me. A couple is not a single entity, and people who choose to split the check that way when a third/single party is there, are certainly not "friends". Acquaintances perhaps...but truly not friends. And actually, yes, I do think it is done intentionally. It is downright bad manners on their part.

My boyfriend and I often eat out with a 3rd single and we always either split it 3 ways or we, as a couple, pay for the other person.

Next time I would be up front with them prior to going out to dinner that you want the bill split equally among everyone. If they balk, then perhaps it is time to cultivate some new friendships. Or skip having dinner out with them.
 
Jennifer ...

I think La Linda sees the entire situation with total clarity, and I agree with all the issues she brings to light. Unless your friends are brain-dead, or never heard the word, ‘manners’, they must know that they are taking advantage of you. It’s obvious that they lack the sensitivity gene, in order to be so unfair to you.

You will have to initiate a discussion regarding this inequality; otherwise, it will continue for as long as you allow it to happen. It should be done the next time dinner arrangements are being made, and it needn’t be confrontational.. You could say something of the sort, “You know, the last time we went out to dinner, the bill was $300 for five of us. That’s $60 per person. Yet I paid $100 for my share. We’re going to have to sharpen our mathematics this time”.

Yes, you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you’re making your point without it being an accusation, which might lead to their taking a defensive stance. More importantly, at the same time, you’ve them aware as to how you intend to pay for your share of the bill at the upcoming dinner.

If they respond negatively, you’re better off eating by yourself. And, it’s definitely time to move onward and upward in the, ‘friends who are fair’ department!!!

As improbable as this sounds, there is actually a small possibility that Jennifer's friends are not being intentional in their inequity. You'd be surprised how often people simply overlook the obvious, either out of sheer obliviousness or just being so wrapped up in the get together. It really may not have occurred to them. Jennifer herself states she does not think it's intentional and has high regard for them- she knows these people first hand, and is in the best position to gage their mindset

And if this is the case, all the more reason to broach the subject of splitting the bill more evenly. I agree with that part of the advice above - if the relationship with these friends is truly healthy, there should be no issue with bringing this up.

I think James has the best advice...ask for separate checks; this has always been the most natural option for myself when one party is not footing the entire bill. In fact, its only recently that I even became aware of the practice of simply dividing a total bill into "n" equal parts, and I thought it was an odd way to go. It's so easy to ask for separate checks!

Thank you so much for this advice - I really do believe it is not intentional and I think it is time I get over my being uncomfortable, they really are great friends and I know they will understand - it is just hard because I really wish I was a big spender! =)

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Party anyone?

Kenard ... wrote:
 Unless your friends are brain-dead, or never heard the word, ‘manners’, they must know that they are taking advantage of you. It’s obvious that they lack the sensitivity gene, in order to be so unfair to you.

Thanks for acknowledging my post Kenard ! We are definitely on the same page about this. I think that JenniferP seems like a very nice person who is being taken advantage of by her friends.

Jennifer - you said in your 2nd post "I really do believe it is not intentional and I think it is time I get over my being uncomfortable, they really are great friends and I know they will understand ". I do hope you are right about your friends. But I find it hard to imagine how any couple would deem that a fair way to settle a bill and aren't already aware of what they are doing.

Post back to this thread and let us know how it all turns out the next time you all have dinner together ;-)

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À votre santé

jamesl3713 wrote:
I think you should request separate checks..
 
I think you should request different friends!

Just start ordering two entrees for your fair share of the bill. If anyone asks, just say "since i always pay for my better half that isn't here yet, i'll just take it home to be eaten later. then say, why do you ask?"

i forgot one thing. it's the same thing as property taxes. it doesn't matter if there is a working couple who lives in the home (splitting the tax bill) versus one single person paying the entire bill alone. it's not fair; especially if you've never even had kids (property tax portion that pays for the schools). 

Andea - that was HYSTERICAL - thank you!

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Party anyone?

I'm glad that you like my sense of humor. People either get it or say "huh?" For the "huh" crowd, no comment . . .

I think your friends are a bit insensitive, but giving them the benefit of the doubt, let's agree that they're not unintentionally ripping you off. To be honest, I have been in situation of 5 people, two couples and a single person, where one person says, "the share is $XXX. per couple". Then when it was brought to his attention, he let out an "oops, sorry".

Next time you dine out with one or two couples, when the bill comes, take it and figure it out per person. If someone else grabs it first, and gives a per couple figure, say something cutel, like "Gee, am I on a date with the invisible man?" laugh, and ask for the per person price. I'm sure your friends don't expect you to pay for two people's share.

I disagree with the suggestion of asking for a separate check. Too often people share appetizers, bottles of wine, bottles of water, dessert plates for multiple people, etc and it would just get too complicated. You don't want to get into a discussion with the waiter about whether you shared the calamari or not.

Simply asking what the per person share is will not offend your friends. If it does, they're not your friends!

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Favorite Toast: May the best days of your past be the worst days of your future. (Opinions expressed on this forum are my own and not a reflection of Zagat management)

Thank you everyone - I am going to dinner this Friday night with my friends and I have decided to try DuckDuck Goose's approach - I like the idea of seperate checks but we do often share wine/apps. so I am going to try to be the one to get the check and divide it up per person.

I will let you all know how it goes - wish me good luck! 

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Party anyone?